I Am Enough

By the time Alexander the Great died at 32 years old, he had created one of the largest empires in history, stretching from Greece to northwestern India. Some say he died from a drunken stupor, some say from disease, and most say from poisoning.

Alexander had never been defeated in war; he was an unstoppable force, and whatever he set his sights on became his. Considered one of history's greatest military strategists and commanders, Alexander spent his last days in a drunken stupor.  Frustrated by sickness and the sting of mortality.

Alexander was beloved, yet his demise brought relief to his soldiers and generals, who had endured the ravenous desire of a young man to conquer the world. At first, his men had followed, his charisma and leadership sufficient. But as they did the impossible and their numbers started dwindling, the slaughter, mayhem, and extensive plunder became meaningless. They wanted out.

One of his generals pleaded with him to change his opinion and return; the men, he said, "longed to again see their parents, their wives and children, their homeland".

The plot was hatched, and he was poisoned.            

At his death, and for centuries after, despite a short life, Alexander the Great was revered. Yet he died unhappy. He hadn’t achieved his expectations.  

What does it mean to say ‘I am enough’?

Most men will say, ‘I am enough’ and not believe these words.

 Is this an identity issue?

Identity is how you see yourself and how others see you. It’s shaped by your values, beliefs, memories, personality, and emotions. It also comes from your relationships, roles, experiences, and surroundings. Your identity includes how you connect with others and the story you tell yourself about your life and its meaning.

Most men born in my generation, of a failed coup in Kenya, and a time before the internet, were brought up to primarily expect themselves to be providers and protectors. That was the expectation placed on our shoulders by society. ‘A man who doesn’t provide and protect is a failure’ was hardcoded in many men’s minds from a young age.

A man exists to start a family, provide for and protect it.  Serve, live for and die for his family.   

During the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, many men stepped aside to allow women and children to board lifeboats, resulting in a significantly higher survival rate for women and children. According to statistics, most of the women and children survived.

Most men who were on the crew of the ship died; duty bound, followed by those who had third-class tickets; they were a great number. The second-class ticket holders, mostly middle-class persons, had the fewest number of survivors, shockingly. The men in First Class had the best survival rates. They were the reason why the honor code of women and children first was held. Notable and wealthy men died because it was seen as honorable and chivalrous to do so in a time of dire straits.

 

Figure 1: Visualisation of the number of survivors and victims on the RMS Titanic by class and age/gender according to the British Board of Trade report on the disaster.

Many conclusions can be extrapolated from these numbers. But what I need to share is the weight of societal expectation that men face daily, from duty, societal pressure, and simply fear of missing out, accepting death in certain instances.

Watching our fathers, there was no self in ‘family’. Men are required to work and raise their children, educate them and ensure that they are properly placed, and this they must do into old age. Having accomplished the basic needs of their family, their wallets must also balance the daily or weekly wants of their wife and kids, making sure that all are happy. Gratitude is rare, and if present, fleeting. Why? Because it is the responsibility of a man to do all these things with a stoic face.

It is forgotten that men are first humans. They desire to be seen, heard and appreciated, and this need wars with the expectations laid by society, where men should quietly serve and expect nothing in return. When no affirmation, assurance, recognition or ‘respect’ comes then the dissonance leads to coping, turning to drink, women and a lust for power.

Respect, in its simplest form, is a feeling or action that demonstrates high regard for someone or something. It involves showing admiration, consideration, and a willingness to honor their value or worth.       

Many are the bars you find a man silently seated, ruminating over a bottle pouring over himself, afraid to go home, because all he has there are demands upon demands placed on his back, with little appreciation.

Why show appreciation to someone you're used to expecting hard work from, especially when society says they don’t need recognition?

The results are telling.

Many marriages were a union of convenience. Animosity brewed, and women saw no benefit from their men other than as providers and protectors.

Let's interrogate further.

For centuries, men were the sole breadwinners, but progressively women have left the home and gone out and chartered their own path. Hence, men shifted into primary breadwinners, co-breadwinners, secondary breadwinners, and even dependents. Their role in society has evolved, but has society evolved its expectation of them?

The husband was the sole breadwinner in many countries of the world. In America, the number stands at 55% today, showing a progressive decrease from the 1970s when it stood at 85%.

The tides have turned, with more women becoming primary or sole breadwinners, as they get the same education, and become bolder in taking up opportunities that were once societally taken up by men.

Yet the narrative shared about being a man is the same. Provide and protect. You are a man only if you can provide; you are termed less if you cannot.  Consider a man and woman given the same opportunity, and nearly the same wage (women still earn less despite similar effort), but the man is communally  expected to provide for a spouse and children. The woman is not communally expected to take care of a man; that is beyond reason, even insane.  

This dissonance has caused a rift for many men, as they work, grow and start families.

In some countries, men are marrying later, and even not at all. Marriages are breaking as unhinged expectations are placed on men’s shoulders to reach standards seen on social media.

Let’s roll back slightly, while young boys were ‘babied’ growing up since they needed to study, the girls were required to do back-breaking chores and take care of their siblings. Few homes had domestic workers. Many girls saw their mothers stay in marriages of convenience to raise them.

Years later, the taste of dependency is bitter, and the girls, now women,  abhor what their mothers went through, and have expectations that few men, who were once boys, can meet. The men who can comfortably meet these expectations, which involve less pain and more comfort and pleasure, find themselves with more female attention, creating a societal imbalance.

Why do I need a man? Some women ask, and it is a valid question. They can provide for themselves. What they desire is companionship, love and mutual respect, things most didn’t observe shared by their parents.

Single-parent homes are the norm nowadays, mainly run by women, with their sons turning into fatherless men. These sons grow up not knowing a father, and thus have a subverted understanding of what it means to be a man. Many tend to impregnate women and then leave, just as their fathers did with no moral qualms, deaf to society's statement of “this is reprehensible, unacceptable and wrong.”

They were never raised to take responsibility; they celebrate going against societal norms, giving meaning to the rejection and deep lack of self-esteem that remains when a parent shuns their child. And the cycle continues.

Who are you as a man?

To answer this question, we have to step back from what society defines as a man and turn to a deeper quest. One of identity.

Who are you, and why are you here?

To answer that question, we still have to go a bit deeper and seek to answer questions of self-awareness.

Do you know why you react the way you do?

Do you know why you are triggered in a certain way?

Why do you run away from certain emotions and cope with particular behaviours?

This introspection is needed to silence the noise and stand up and be counted as a man, who can push ahead with his purpose; the reason for your existence.

Most men nowadays are a product of the dysfunction and chaos of their environment. They have stepped away from their leadership role and pander to the noise they hear around them.

“This self-reflection is a waste of time, in a world that is getting worse, and things are breaking apart. Show me how to make money instead.” A person once angrily told me.

“Do you think the world is getting better or worse?” I asked.

“Worse, of course, the old days were better.” He responded.  

"When men lose purpose, they chase pleasure, power, or numbness to fill the void."
— Unknown

His response was telling.

A survey was done to ask the same question.

Is the world improving or getting worse?

In Sweden, a whopping 10% thought things were improving; in the US, only 6%, and in Germany, only 4%. Meaning a vast majority of people today think things are not getting any better, which is false.  

Let's look at facts.

·         Extreme poverty is down. 200 years ago, 80% of the world's population lived under extreme poverty. Today, less than 10% live under extreme poverty.  

·         Literacy is up. 200 years ago, only every tenth person older than 15 years was literate. Today, 87% of the world is literate.

·         Health is up. We are unaware of how bad the past was. 200 years ago, 43% of the world’s newborns died before 5 years. Today, child mortality is down to 4%.

·         Freedom is up. 200 years ago, there was no democracy. A quest for political freedom was mostly crushed. Today, more than every second person in the world lives in a democracy. 

·         Education is up. With an increase in literacy, soon there will not be a person lacking formal education.

Yet, 9 out of 10 people don’t believe the world is getting better.

The mass media don’t tell us how the world is changing. It tells us what is going wrong with the world.

When the media and schools don’t share facts about long-term progress, most people stay unaware of global improvements and lose hope that big problems can be solved.

Society insists things are getting worse while raising the expectations placed on a man.

What is required is to silence the noise and reflect on why you are here. You are not here to tick external boxes of roles handed to you from the moment you were born.

Or are you?

To fit in and to function, we conform to societal expectations. Yet if that is the only way we derive meaning. Then, when you can’t serve that function, should you lie down and die, because you have lost meaning?

"The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live."
— Norman Cousins

I am enough means I understand I am unique and valuable. Unique means similar but different from all others. I don’t need to prove or distinguish my uniqueness by seeking validation or assurances from the world around me. Valuable means I am nurturing a talent or gift that creates value in the world.      

I am enough means being able to tame internal voices saying, ‘be in control, make things orderly.’ Or ‘please people and gain acceptance.’ Voices that make us restless and busy to avoid discomfort. Voices that push us to seek attention through suffering as victims or external validation as overachievers.  Voices that create worry and anxiety, making us indecisive and irrational.

Power comes from knowing that you are enough. Silencing the negative voices and emotions that fill our minds.

I am enough is resetting my identity. Discovering what I am passionate about, what interests I hold, and what I am willing to invest my time and effort fearlessly in pursuing.

According to Gallup’s 2023 State of the Global Workplace report, only 23% of employees feel engaged at work. The other 77% are not engaged, leading to $8.8 trillion in lost productivity—about 9% of the world’s total income.

We show up at work not as full, authentic people. We function to “fit in” with cultural norms and expectations. We suppress our creativity, voice and passion. We lack motivation and are not innovative or emotionally invested. The deeper cost is personal: unlived potential, rising burnout, and a silent crisis of meaning.

"Men without purpose are like dogs chasing their tails—busy, exhausted, and going nowhere."
— Anonymous

 

What would happen if I decide not to fit in?

I wake up one day and say, 'enough is enough'. What will follow? Fear?   

The fear of rejection. The fear of being disliked. The fear of being termed not good enough.

The journey of the less trodden road, is uncertain. But we are then not wearing masks, and trying to fit in. We are more alive, and possibly start to discover our uniqueness and value; our authentic self.     

This road leads to purpose. But we must learn to silence the voices and stop trying to fit in.  

We all come with inherent talents, which, if explored and invested in, turn into strengths. What are your talents? Have you invested in them?   

What are those things you love to do? What are those things you find easy to do? Things that when you do time stands still, and becomes irrelevant.  

When was the last time you intentionally sought out people with similar interests, a community of people who encourage or keep you accountable as you become masterful in your talents?

Do you have a support system of mentors, coaches and people who are honest and candid with you to help you sharpen your talents?  

We need honest and objective feedback, and a heart to receive nourishment in our quest for mastery of self and talents.

These are but steps taken when you seek to be self-aware and prioritise doing the things you love.

As a man, find other men to walk with. Men you can be vulnerable with to share your experiences. Learn to process your emotions, and release emotional baggage as you reflect on past traumas, beliefs and traditions that no longer serve your journey, heal, become whole, because you are enough.

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