Am I Living My Life or My Ancestors’ Trauma?

I love history, and once believed the stories I read were accurate and true, until I studied the personal accounts of those conquered. 

The conquerors would seek to destroy the religion, texts, language, and monuments of the vanquished and replace these with their own. Retelling stories of old to capture the psyche and identity of a people.

Many ancient civilizations, nations, and clans were silenced, never to be found except in tombs or scrolls secretly hidden, revealing truths that had been altered or distorted over time. Some stories were carried down from parent to child through narration, preserved like precious metal carefully stored in the catacombs of memory. Yet, the script of the colonizer has become more refined over time, replacing language and culture with little resistance.        

Africa lost its proud identity, one that had been present for eons. Our identity was replaced by ruler measures of tribes, and boundaries created in foreign lands by people whose main intention was the exploitation of resources. By this act, the stories and the language, the old ways of many people, were turned from legacy to evil. The term ‘savages’ became a standard reference to speak of a dark continent.

My question is, what is legacy? And how does it affect you today in your daily life?

Recently, at The Men’s Group meeting, which we hold bi-monthly, we discussed the meaning of legacy.

Legacy is the lasting impact of your life — what you’re remembered for and what you pass on to future generations.

Yet this definition fails to acknowledge the past, present, and future, which are central in ensuring your legacy stands.

Some may ask, “Why should I even consider having a legacy?”

The answer is tied to purpose and a deep desire for a meaningful life. It’s a deep-seated desire that can be manipulated through education and social programming. Many people today have been miseducated into living meaningless lives, unable to understand their purpose or reason for living. Their existence is day by day, paycheck to paycheck. They are controlled by a system they were placed in from a young age. Unable to realize that if they looked up, and desired meaning, they would then want to be of impact, and leave a legacy.

 

In the Men’s Group meeting, we discussed three key aspects of legacy building, which were addressed through three questions that look back, look within, and look to the future.  

The first aspect of legacy building is looking back.

1.       What shaped me to become who I am?

What childhood conditioning happened as you were growing up? What generational scripts have you closely followed to the letter? Was it termed as a generational curse or blessing?  

We are often unaware of the scripts we follow. Yet they show up in our belief systems —the way we think, what we entertain, and how we interpret the world. You may think it's you who made that decision, but is it possible it was created by a strong belief drilled in you from the past?      

There are certain beliefs we don’t question; we just hold them as true. Here are a couple in the Kenyan context.

“Asking for help is a sign of weakness.”

"Rich people must have stolen or are corrupt."

“A man is only successful if he provides materially.”

“If something bad happens, God is punishing me.”

“Praying harder solves all issues—even practical ones.”

There are many other beliefs shrouded in secrecy and unmentionables. We don’t question; we just blindly embrace and wonder why our decisions never bring us closer to our life goals. Some cultural mores lack scientific backing; they were imposed and subsequently became cultural rules.   

We have the wife exchange in northern Namibia among the Ovahimba, as well as the severe flogging of an intended husband by the Fulani to prove he was worthy, and the macabre corpse washing of the Chawe community in Malawi.

But the deeper question is, what has shaped you? What have you inherited from your parents and community? What family scripts, either good or bad, have you lived with for a long time?

In my parents’ house, specific topics were never discussed. Money matters was one of them; we also learned how to treat relatives by looking at our parents. This is partly the reason why we don’t relate well with some; we think we know their nature purely from hearsay from our parents.

Every family has its script, deeply rooted in the behaviors of its parents. Their actions shape our worldview from a young age, often using a cane, shame, fear, hate, and obedience in equal measures.

Someone will say in the guise of humor, “You Kinuthias are very blunt with your words.” Meaning the Kinuthia family members are prone to speaking without tact or diplomacy.

And most of the time, words spoken in humor can be the truth we need to reflect on, since few people dare to talk openly about a matter, unless it is done in a passive-aggressive way.

Here is another question.

What is the legacy passed down to you that serves as a blind spot?

Some collective traumas or incidents can deeply wound a family, a clan, or a community, altering the very core of a people. Some remain untreated and buried for generations. Others are well documented, and restitution appears to have been made. The pogroms against the Jewish nation and their ongoing struggle for survival, for example.

In Kenya, atrocities were committed against the Gikuyu, Meru, Giriama, Nandi, and Taita communities during the colonial period. No adequate restitution has been made for land seizures, forced labor and taxation, executions, economic exploitation, and the suppression of indigenous governance, religion, and education.

But those horrific acts sank into the silent collective memory of our great-grandparents and grandparents, passed down through observed coping behaviors, scars, and wounds that remained unhealed, carried forward to the next generation. 

Scientists conducted a study involving a third-generation Jewish individual who experienced symptoms such as heart palpitations and a fear of enclosed spaces (claustrophobia). Interestingly, these symptoms were not linked to any personal trauma in their own life, but were found to be inherited from traumatic experiences endured by their grandparents during the Holocaust.

How many things do we carry as generational curses that we are unaware of because of the secrets hidden by atrocities committed against our ancestors? When you see an entire community turning to liquor or drug abuse to cope with loneliness and lack of work, take a moment to ask what has brought this crisis into our lives across generations. When you hear that men in Kikuyu highlands are completely enslaved by illicit brew, or that men in Taita are alcoholics, it's time to ask this question.

What past communal trauma might still need healing, and for which restitution hasn't yet been provided?

On the other extreme, it is possible to struggle to live beyond the shadow of our parents', grandparents', or ancestors' overwhelming achievements. Their accomplishments may cast a tall shadow.

Henry Ford was a legend in the mass production of cars. His son Edsel struggled to live up to his father’s legacy. Edsel died at 49 years old from stomach cancer, a disease often linked to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression. His father frequently undermined Edsel. While Edsel was more thoughtful and conciliatory, his father was confrontational. Their relationship was strained.    

 

The second aspect of legacy building is looking within

2.       How do I show up now?

 

This is a self-audit that enables us to identify our strengths, pinpoint gaps, and align them with our values.

Do you realize that living by your values is profoundly satisfying and gratifying?

Values provide clarity and guidance when determining what truly matters. They help you stay authentic and consistent in your self-presentation. Values also strengthen resilience, fostering inner peace and self-respect, which makes it easier to establish and uphold boundaries. This attracts others who respect your principles. Living by your values leads to a sense of fulfillment that extends beyond mere achievement, helping you adopt a long-term perspective centered on leaving a lasting legacy.

Let me reiterate, legacy is lived day by day, not in the future. Your legacy is your character, as embodied in the values that shine through your daily habits.

A few years ago, I shared a video of 92-year-old Lew Hollander, who has been competing in marathons and Ironman triathlons—brutal feats of endurance—since he was 40. During the interview, Lew had just closed a 30-year lease and hoped to be still around then and as strong as ever. He had built a legacy of strength and fitness over 50 years of consistent effort. All the finishing medals Lew gathered over the years were a symbol of his progress in building that legacy.

Men and women who have built companies and institutions that stand the test of time usually hold a credo, something they believe in strongly that guides their decisions. These are the values most people glance at and forget. These titans never waver from them, come rain or shine, despite a bad economy or bad governance.

The strength with which you hold on to your values determines the character you build and how people will remember you. Many of us are inconsistent and impulsive. Today one thing, tomorrow another. 

We don’t take responsibility for our actions, behaviors, and habits. We often prefer to blame, demean, and believe we are better than others as we attempt to control situations. We are critical of others' behavior, but we are quick to blame someone else or something else when we don’t meet certain expectations.

For example, when others are late to a meeting, they are considered ‘latecomers’ and perceived as being ‘disrespectful’ of our time. When we are late to a meeting, it is usually the traffic or lack of sleep from the previous day that is to blame.

Although many things are beyond our control, the few that are within our power can be approached using four human endowments. These gifts from God allow individuals to be proactive and cultivate effective habits.

The first is self-awareness—understanding yourself better by observing how your emotions respond to life's various moments, both good, bad, and ugly. The second gift is your independent will, which must be kept under control and not allowed to run wild alongside your ego. The third is your conscience, guided by the pursuit of truth and what is morally right, helping us adhere to universal principles from which we can derive our values. The fourth is our creative imagination, our mind’s power to invent, innovate, and envision—to go beyond what is and imagine what could be. When we harness these four together, especially when we are clear about our values, they enable us to elevate our experience right here and now.

One may ask, “What are values, Edwin?”

Values are the core beliefs and principles that guide our thoughts, actions, and decisions. They are what matters most in your life. They shape what you prioritize and how you live.

Everyone has values. Priest and thief. They are just different. A thief might value survival, loyalty to their group, freedom from rules, or personal gain. A priest might value service, faith, compassion, or spiritual discipline.

Values aren't inherently good or bad — they are simply the internal compass that shapes how someone chooses to live.

What you value determines the direction of your life. That is why clarifying your values is so important. Afterwards, you can consciously and intentionally align your choices with the kind of life you truly want to live.

If you don’t clarify your values, you risk living according to someone else’s convictions and end up serving or being subservient to them.

The third aspect of legacy building is looking ahead.

3.       What am I committing to?

I cannot move forward if I don’t take a step.

Visiting a friend means leaving my current spot to meet at a place we both agree on. We don’t see our friends as often as we'd like because deciding when and where to meet can be tricky, and often, we hesitate to make that final decision when it’s time to go. There are many reasons for this, including procrastination, a habit we often adopt to avoid facing our emotions.

That visit feels like an effort; we think we have plenty of time, we believe social visits are unproductive, we might still have unresolved feelings with loved ones, we are comfortable being alone, or we face scheduling paralysis. Sometimes, we also take the relationship for granted.

We fail to be intentional about that meeting, dragging along something that could have some level of urgency. We allow our careers, which already demand a lot from us, or our responsibilities at home, to carry us along. We are not intentional.

The act of committing requires us to take extreme ownership of all the roles we have in life and plan how to execute them based on our values.

The secret sauce is doing small acts daily or weekly that make a difference. If you want to be a good friend, is there something you can do regularly to engage friends? Could it be done by making a time slot available for interacting with a community of friends or scheduling daily calls to friends and loved ones?

In the role of a father, is there something you can do daily to make that relationship with your children intentional?

Extreme ownership involves understanding your role in society, whether as a parent, teacher, runner, or any other position. Then, define your core values for each role. Ensure that you don't overlook goals that align with these values, and consistently carry out small, daily, or weekly activities—intentional efforts that become habits over time. The journey from activity to habit involves breaking the mental friction that prevents us from consistently undertaking the task. This friction could stem from emotional avoidance habits like overplanning out of fear, which leads to inaction and constant anxiety. Or, overworking out of shame, which can lead to burnout and loneliness. These emotional avoidance habits can only be discovered when we reflect deeply on what habits we have developed to protect ourselves.

In conclusion, your legacy is something you have the power to shape, and it’s all about taking full ownership of your daily actions. By intentionally practicing these habits, you can craft a character filled with the values you cherish most. Over time, these actions become your habits, demonstrating the steady consistency that can move even the most significant obstacles, leaving behind a meaningful legacy you'll cherish when reflecting on your life. Are you excited about starting to build your legacy?   

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Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I'm Edwin Moindi, a Life and Habit Coach dedicated to helping people understand their habits, navigate their emotions, and cultivate emotional intelligence for a happier, more balanced life. I'd love to hear your thoughts—feel free to reach out and share your insights or questions!