How To Make and Keep Friends Bound by Destiny

I have a theory, and kindly indulge me. Imagine a huge funnel, let us call it the friendship funnel, and in it, you pour all the people you have ever met and interacted with. Those you shared a meal with and had a conversation with. Those you thought, “I wouldn’t mind talking to that person again.” Then, those you didn’t have a good interaction with, from a slight discomfort to the other end of the continuum, where you pray to God you will never meet again.      

Now! Imagine how many people these were. Was it a modest hundred or a decent thousand? Let's even be more specific, we meet most people when we are between 19 to 25. A year is 365 days, let's average meeting 4 people daily for 5 years, that’s about 7,300 people you can come into contact with if you were intentional about it at that age.  

Please underline intentional because most of us are never intentional to the extent of encountering four new people every day. We are not wired to look for that much discomfort.  We fear being judged and are uncertain about the outcome of meeting new people. It is a natural human reaction.                       

Andrew Carnegie, a highly respected industrialist, left not only a rich legacy but also instructions on how to harness the power of our networks and elevate them to the highest level of global interaction. He had an elephant memory of faces, names, and locations.

Andrew Carnegie had a mastery in forging connections in vast spheres of life, stitching interconnections with people from diverse backgrounds in steel, politics, finance, skilled workforce, philanthropy, art and social change. He had a Rolodex of contacts and networked exceptionally well.  He was a super connector.

It all started when he was a telegraph messenger boy and was required to remember. No memorize! Names, locations and the city layout to deliver messages in a timely and jovial manner. As he grew, so did his excellent memory.  And he used it to cultivate relationships with people from a vast array of backgrounds.  

Carnegie believed in learning as much as possible to expand one's knowledge and making oneself relevant and indispensable in all the spaces one was in. Being of value to all the people he interacted with. He also believed in making as much money as possible and giving it back to good causes. To him, people who held on to their wealth were committing an abomination. Carnegie was a consummate writer, and he shared his strong beliefs in the articles he wrote.

How do you refine and strengthen your beliefs?  

There is no doubt that his memory of names and facts about people made them feel seen and appreciated. His ability to network across vast divides made him an exemplary connector, bringing people together who would normally not interact. His ability to build meaningful relationships resulted in the success he had in various industries.         

Now, back to my theory.

The friendship funnel requires that you pour in all the acquaintances you meet over time. The pouring in is the intentional active part. Meaning you have to habitually find people who can get into this funnel.

How do you meet acquaintances?

You possibly have interests, passions. Something you are great at. Something you are paid for. A problem or problems you want to solve. A cause you want to fund. If you can seek out people who resonate with you on these things, you will soon find a hall full of acquaintances.

I would reinforce the thought that you can discover a new interest or passion every week, if you put your mind to it, and put yourself out there. Have a bucket list of interesting things you want to try out, and then cost-efficiently go and try them out.

When was the last time you picked up an interest outside your normal? Have you ever joined a group that was painting, hiking, book reading, star gazing, horse riding, or debating? Groups that do this frequently? (I invite you to join me at Toastmasters.)

Why not create a plan for the next three months and tick off weekly on these group meetups you can join? And why not promise yourself, while at it, that you will meet two new people, in a sea of strangers?  

There are a few conversation starter questions you can pose to find commonality and build rapport.   

Light & Friendly Starters

• What do you enjoy doing outside of work? (assuming they are working)
• What was the highlight of your week?
• What kind of music or movies are you into? (If they don’t listen to music or watch movies, walk away (sic!)

Curious & Personal (but not too deep)

• What’s something you’ve been learning lately?
• What’s a small thing that made you smile recently?
• What would you do if you had a free weekend, no plans?

Broader Life & Values

• What’s something you're passionate about right now?
• If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
• What’s something people misunderstand about you?

When you ask these be ready to also answer them in return openly. Of these acquaintances, the ones that match your values and view of life, you can then work towards making and becoming friends with them over time.  

We fail at being out and about, and/or intentionally engaging the people we meet. Making it difficult to make friends.

Our preference is to sustain relationships from childhood, hoping that they are friends we can keep for a lifetime. And sometimes it can be like driving on worn tires for years after the threads are showing.

Conversely, it’s the reason we have very few friends.

As we grow, we fail to expand our network and connections intentionally, we don’t keep, value, remember or even show interest in the many people we meet. And what excuse do we have?

“My memory fails me.”  

“I can’t remember names or faces.”

“I am not interested in these people.”

“When can I get back to my safe space? This place is so boring.”

“Please don’t engage me.”

The six degrees of separation is a theory that states we are all connected through a chain of acquaintances with no more than six intermediaries. You are six connections away from anything you ever desired or wanted in your life.

Empires and kingdoms of old understood this and intermarried to make these bonds stronger.

Value your moment with a new acquaintance, it could be the door opener you desire.

Anything you put your mind to develops and becomes stronger. Start to build your memory of faces, names and things that are of importance to the people you meet, by simply first being present. As Carnegie proved, you can develop that brain muscle of memory to an extraordinary level, and people will be grateful for that.   

Bill Clinton, the former president of America, was known as a genius in interpersonal communication. Every person who met him said he would make you feel like you had all his attention and focus. He had an exceptional capacity to listen and make you feel like you were not just the most important person in the room, but in the world. He had this deep ability to empathize with people. A memorable trait to all those who spoke to him.  

 Your social network has to be built brick by brick on sweat, effort and knowledge.

How do you turn an acquaintance into a friend?

An acquaintance becomes a friend when you share the same values and view of life. Yet you also have to cultivate and water the friendship, over time, and with a focus on the person. They must also accord you the same privilege, building each other for the better.          

Many of the people we call ‘friends’ don’t share the same values. We don’t have a similar view in life, and God forbid you don’t help each other grow, nor are we intentional about nourishing or making them better. We mostly expect them to serve us, while we count everything we have done for them.

When you hear someone say, “After all I did for them, and thought they were my friend, they never did anything in return.” This is a person misaligned with themselves and living in a delusion.

Many of the ‘friends’ we have are there because we want to exploit an opportunity, or they are looking to use us to the same end. We assume they will assist us in one way or another, and we never form stronger bonds beyond, the opportunity at hand.

There is no mutual trust.

Yet the foundation of friendship is trust. Build on consistency, you have to show up again and again. And again, like an Energizer bunny (I loved that commercial). When was the last time you were consistent?

Here is another one.

When was the last time you did what you said you would do? Are you reliable as a friend? Can you be counted upon when it matters? Please note this goes both ways. Are you reliable even when it is inconvenient? Can you be counted upon?  Are you honest, even when no one is watching? Are you transparent about your intentions, feelings and limitations, or do you sometimes say, “I will protect my friend by not telling them what I feel?” Which leads me to ask, do you have mutual vulnerability, or is it always one of you who is real, imperfect and human, and the other is the emotional handkerchief?

Do you respect your friend’s boundaries, or do you use their limitations and imperfections against them?  Do you have empathy for your friend?

Do you listen to understand? Do you support and encourage each other? Do you check in, show up and reach out to your friend? Is the effort reciprocated?

A true friend loves you in your becoming, not just your best moments. They accept your flaws and still choose to stay close. Some friends reflect who we are; others help us become who we’re meant to be.

 Are you a friend to others, or is it too much work?

When we say, “I don’t have a friend,” most times what we mean is that we don’t have the desire, the energy or the latitude to be a friend.

 How do you turn a friend into a brother or sister?     

There is a deeper level of connection that happens when someone who is not a sibling shows up in your life and displays loyalty, presence and a soul-level connection. This person moves from being a friend to a brother or a sister.

How? They chose you over and over again. Even when they don’t have to show up, they still do. They are devoted to you regardless. Not because they have to, but because they want to.

They will fight for you when you are not in the room, and when you face a storm, they step in front of you and say, “You are not going through this alone.”

They are your truth-teller; they offer radical honesty and check you on your wrongs. They offer tough love, but also in a loving caring way, they call you out because they care.

Here is a critical one: they don’t just celebrate you. They water and nurture who you are becoming, and remind you of your greatness when you forget.

They stay when you go through a mess, or when you are lost, low or hard to love. They sit in the dark with you, and not trying to fix you – just being there creating space for you.

You trust them with the real you, the unfiltered, unguarded, unimpressive version of you. And they protect it, you don’t have to pretend with them. And it just clicks and feels like destiny.

Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are.

How do you nurture brothers and Sisters?

You don’t force it. You earn it and offer it through intentional love, time and trust. You do this by being consistently present, in the good and bad times. Create a safe space for them with no judgment or masks. Have deeper conversations about struggles, dreams and faith. Speak life into them, affirming their purpose, be their mirror when they forget who they are. Be loyal in their absence, defend and protect their name. And most importantly, serve without keeping a scorecard, serve sacrificially. Family don’t count favours.

True siblinghood is earned through love, tested in time, and sealed in the sacred space of trust.

How do you turn a brother or sister into a Jonathan?

Then there is the Jonathan-level kind of bond. It is a soul-aligned, covenant-tier friendship, and the rarest of them all. It transcends brotherhood and sisterhood. It transcends family, tribe, even survival instinct. It is what David and Jonathan shared in the bible.

“Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as his own soul." – 1 Samuel 18:3

 This wasn’t a friendship. It was a soul-tie forged in purpose. Jonathan chose David at the cost of his future as king. That’s covenant, that’s love without agenda.

Start to build a bond around purpose, not just a personal connection. Realize that both of you are called for something bigger.

This level of friendship requires sacrifice. Loyalty isn’t optional. You choose each other even when it costs. For that reason, enter into a covenant, and not a convenience.

Jonathan didn’t just support David, he protected him. Even opposing his father, at the risk of death. Risking everything for someone because you know they are chosen.

“Why should he be put to death? What has he done?" – Jonathan to Saul (1 Sam. 20:32)

They can see the anointing in you. Jonathan knew God had chosen David to be king. He didn’t compete; he celebrated and affirmed the calling in David’s life.

"You shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you." – 1 Sam. 23:17

Imagine a friend who sees your destiny and lifts you into it, even if it costs them their crown.

Don’t just encourage each other, call out their anointing. Remind them of who they are and who they’re becoming.

The Bible says, “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David” (1 Sam. 18:1). Not just friends. Not just brothers. Their souls were intertwined. You can’t manufacture that. It’s divinely orchestrated.

This is a friendship grounded in spirit no just struggles. You don’t just laugh, vent, vibe and grow together—you discern, pray, and move in purpose together. Seek God together. Listen to each other’s spirit. You fight the same battles, even if you’re in different camps.

A Jonathan doesn’t betray, doesn’t envy, doesn’t abandon. He protects destiny. She shields the calling.

In conclusion, for you to truly go through this friendship funnel and get to be a Jonathan, or be surrounded by one or many, you have to be resonant with your purpose, and spiritually discerning, and that calls for an investment in self-awareness.

To truly be a friend, a brother or sister and a Jonathan, I repeat you must start on the journey of being self-aware, clarifying your purpose and values and living by them, and forging ahead in spiritual nourishment.

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Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I'm Edwin Moindi, a Life and Habit Coach dedicated to helping people understand their habits, navigate their emotions, and cultivate emotional intelligence for a happier, more balanced life. I'd love to hear your thoughts—feel free to reach out and share your insights or questions!