The Listening Man: How Deep Listening Unlocks Courage, Connection, and Influence

There's a sentence that has stayed with me for years: “Edwin, you never listen to me.” If you know me, you’ll find that accusation strange. I love conversation. I can sit across a table and discuss ideas, faith, leadership, business, habits, archetypes, and human nature, and lose track of time. I enjoy good banter. I enjoy depth. I enjoy watching someone’s mind light up when they realize something about themselves mid-sentence.

So when I heard that line, I paused. Was I not listening? Or was something deeper happening?

Sometimes the person speaking was barely audible. Words were half-formed. Thoughts were whispered. It was almost like they were arguing with themselves before they ever engaged me. I would lean forward and say, “Could you say that again?” and somehow that simple request felt like rejection to them.

That bothered me because I started to notice this: many people don’t speak from their chest. They speak from their throat. They speak out of fear, out of uncertainty. From the internal noise, they are fighting. They aren’t just talking to you, they’re grappling with their own doubt as they speak.

And here is what I have come to understand: Listening is not about ears. It is about courage.

Becoming a good listener, whether man or woman, is not passive work. It requires discipline. It takes habit. It demands ego work. It involves spiritual work. When you get it right, it transforms everything — your relationships, your leadership, your home, your team, and even how people see themselves around you.

Let me take you into what I have discovered.

 

Good Conversation Is Navigation, Not Performance

I used to believe that good conversation was about being interesting. Let’s be honest, many of us think that. We prepare what we will say next while someone is still talking. We wait for the gap. We polish our rebuttal. We tweak our story so it lands better than theirs.

That is not listening. That is competing.

A few years ago, something changed inside me. I realized that the best conversations I had were the ones where I spoke the least. Yes, me. When I stopped trying to impress others and started trying to understand, something amazing happened. People opened up. Quickly. Deeply. Almost shockingly.

And it wasn’t because I had tricks. You know those “communication hacks” people talk about? Mirror them. Nod strategically. Use their name. Lead them subtly. There is some psychology behind mirroring. We unconsciously mimic people—posture, tone, rhythm. A lot of communication is nonverbal, and that’s true. But here’s the bigger flex: be genuinely interested. Not curious just because you want leverage. Not attentive just because you want influence. Just interested.

When you sit face-to-face with someone and are fully present — no phone, no scanning the room, no mental grocery list — they feel it. Presence is a gift. Face the speaker. Maintain natural eye contact. Keep an open posture. Let your face reflect their emotion. Give small nods that say, “I’m with you.” You would be surprised how rare that is today.

Most people are physically present but mentally elsewhere, replaying yesterday or pre-living tomorrow. When someone feels your undivided attention—emotionally, mentally, or physically—something unlocks. They start speaking from their chests rather than from their fear.

And here’s what still fascinates me: People love talking about themselves. Even the private ones. Especially the private ones. But they will only do it when they feel seen, heard, and appreciated. And that doesn’t happen through performance. It happens through navigation, like an astute sailor guiding through a storm of emotions, thoughts, and layered meaning. You listen not only to the content but also to the tone. Not only to the words but to what’s trembling beneath them.

That is where the real conversation lives.

 

The Power of Courageous Questions

Now let me take you deeper. Listening is not silent passivity; it is active courage. Over the years, I have asked questions that prompt people to think. “If you were guaranteed not to fail, what would you attempt, and why haven’t you yet?” When I ask this question, I watch their eyes. You can almost see the internal shift, from fear to imagination, from limitation to expansion.

Or this one:

“When in your life did you feel called to something greater than yourself, and what did you do with that call?” Now we are not talking about tasks here. We are talking about destiny, about identity, about the hero archetype quietly living inside each of us. We all want to matter. To leave an impact. Not like a meteor destroying everything in its path, but like a light that warms a room.

The tragedy is that many people are living day by day—surviving, managing, grinding—without anyone ever asking them that question. So when you do, they look at you confused, almost shocked, because for a moment, they realize their life isn't meaningless. The apathy lifts, and the lie that they are powerless begins to crack.

Or this one:

“What part of yourself do you hide because you fear it might be ‘too much’ or ‘not acceptable’?”

Now we are in shadow territory. You can't ask that casually. You ask only after trust has been built, presence has been demonstrated, and safety has been established. But when someone answers honestly, you're no longer having a surface-level conversation. You're witnessing a soul.

Another favorite of mine:

“If your life were a myth, what would this current season be called?”

We are meaning-making creatures. Civilizations have been built on stories. We explain the normal, the supernatural, and the confusing through storytelling. Our minds love to tell stories. That’s why gossip is so tempting. It helps us find meaning in what we don't understand. When you realize this, you stop judging people by how they tell their stories. You let them narrate, even when their stories drift into exaggeration or fantasy. There is something beneath it that is real.

Listening gives people space to author their lives.

And here is the secret: When you ask courageous questions, you are not manipulating someone. You are reminding them of who they are.

That is influence. Not dominance. Influence.

 

Psychological Safety: The Soil Where Listening Grows

Let’s talk about the part we often overlook. Many people don’t speak, not because they have nothing to say, but because it hasn’t been safe to speak. They’ve been interrupted many times, corrected mid-sentence, and finished off with “Yes, but…” before their point was understood.

You know what that does? It shuts people down.

In leadership, interruptions hinder contribution, damage psychological safety, and discourage dissent. High-performing teams need dissent. If everyone agrees with you, you are not truly leading; you are intimidating. Listening means letting someone finish, even if you already know what they are going to say.

Listening involves paraphrasing: “So what I hear you saying is...” Clarifying: “Do you mean that...?” and reflecting emotion: “That sounds frustrating.”

Notice what we did there. We acknowledged experience before offering advice. Most people do not want your solution immediately; they want acknowledgment first. When you rush to fix, judge, or correct, you ignore the emotional layer. The person feels processed, not understood.

And then there is defensive listening. This one is more subtle than defensive driving. We listen driven by ego, authority, or status. We justify decisions immediately. We explain instead of exploring. We focus on correcting tone rather than content.

The result? Blind spots grow wider. Feedback fades. The truth withdraws. Eliminating bias is difficult, but we can pause it temporarily. Listening involves setting aside assumptions about hierarchy, past performance, and personal preferences. It requires slowing down, managing your internal reactions, and developing self-awareness. And if you're dedicated to forming new habits, you understand this is a daily discipline.

Listening mistakes stem from ego, speed, and control.

To become a good listener, you must set aside ego, slow down, and resist the urge to dominate. That is true strength, not weakness.

 

The Listening Man

Listening requires courage. The courage to stay silent. The courage not to rehearse your reply. The courage to let someone expose their shadow. The courage to hear something that might challenge your identity.

Influence doesn't begin when you speak; it begins when you create space—emotional space. I used to think that eloquence defined leadership. Now I realize that stillness is what truly matters. Presence is. Safety is.

A listening man adjusts the room's temperature. He reduces defensiveness. He raises courage. He encourages authenticity. And here is my non-theoretical, non-poetic challenge to you.

This week:

Have a conversation where your phone is nowhere to be found. Ask one courageous question. Pause before responding. Reflect emotion before giving advice. Watch what happens. Notice how people speak differently. Observe how trust expands. See how influence grows quietly.

This is not easy work. This is powerful work. If we develop the habit of deep listening in our homes, within our teams, and among our brotherhoods and friendships, we will create something rare in this noisy world. We will forge spaces where people feel truly heard. And when people feel heard, they come alive.

That is the path of the listening man.

If this message stirred something in you, don’t let it fade.

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