Why Strong Men Burn Out — And How Agency Restores Power

 

There is something sacred, almost rebellious, about men gathering without performance, masks, or the pressure to impress. Not to posture. Not to compete. Not to prove masculinity. But to be. That was the spirit of our recent men’s meetup, set against the calm, idyllic backdrop of a dam outside Nairobi. Jet skis, boats, open skies, and a break from the city’s noise. A reminder that men, too, need space, both externally and internally.

Ironically, I arrived late. Not because I didn’t care, but because I was learning to let go. For a year, I had carried the vision of these gatherings almost alone. I had pushed, planned, persuaded, hustled, and overperformed. By November, I was exhausted, drained, and quietly resentful. I asked for a hiatus — not because the mission wasn’t worth it, but because my nervous system was collapsing under the weight of trying to prove myself. That realization changed everything.

The Hidden Emotional Weight of Leadership

Leading a cause often feels noble until it becomes lonely. Until you realize that if the vision only exists in your heart, it will overwhelm you. You carry expectations, disappointments, people’s energy, broken promises, and, quietly, you carry hurt.

People say they’ll attend, then disappear. They promise to pay and attend, then go silent. They confirm, then cancel at the last minute. And while we may call these “small things,” they add up like emotional debt.

After each men’s session, I would crash, sometimes sleeping for 12 hours straight. I thought it was physical fatigue. It wasn’t. It was unprocessed emotional weight.

Men arrived at the sessions burdened with heaviness, grief, regret, pressure, and fear. Because I felt responsible, I absorbed it all. Unknowingly, I was taking on more than my fair share.

Reading Force vs. Power by David R. Hawkins revealed something uncomfortable: my consciousness was stuck in pride, performance, and proving. I wasn’t just organizing events; I was trying to validate my worth. That’s a dangerous place for any man to live.

Nervous System Reset & The Hurt Mantra

Healing started when I stopped pretending I was “fine.” After difficult times, I began practicing intentional decompression: a quiet 3-mile walk, a peaceful meal, a morning run, and sitting in a coffee shop journaling, no noise, no scrolling, no performance. This helped, but what truly transformed me was something I now call The Hurt Mantra.

Each day, I asked myself one question: What hurt me today?

Not a dramatic hurt, but a subtle one: the blue tick that never gets a reply. The call that goes unanswered. the promise that quietly fades away. the cancellation that whispers, “You’re not a priority.”

Small hurts become toxic when ignored. If you don’t acknowledge hurt, it festers. If it festers, it alters your mood. If it alters your mood, it influences your decisions. If it influences your decisions, it shapes your destiny.

Once I started naming hurt, I could let it go. I learned this truth: We can’t control other people’s behavior — but we can control our response. That’s where true power lies.

Delegation, Agency, and Letting Men Rise

Another painful realization hit: I was overextending myself. As a high performer and a recovering perfectionist, I instinctively took control when things felt uncertain. But crises become pointless when only one hero steps up. If Superman saves the city every time, no one else learns courage. So, I stepped back. I embraced discomfort. I accepted imperfection. I let others rise.

That’s how the committee was born. My role shifted from “central hero” to “steady supporter.” And yes, things went akimbo at times. But my mantra this year is: “Change my self-concept and rise above myself.” Instead of rescuing, I empowered. And something beautiful happened. Men stepped up.

Ravinder led with surgical precision — project planning worthy of an ERP rollout. Tirus brought electric MC energy (and yes, follow his TikTok — the man speaks wisdom while walking). Gibson delivered a world-class team experience. Tony embodied seasoned business wisdom while making sure we ate meat that was a cut above the rest. Brian carried contagious energy and got us to the spot where we held the meetup. Dan, young, driven, hungry to make a difference—reminded me of what agency looks like when it’s still raw and alive; he handled all the necessary communication through posters and follow-up calls.

We went from:

• No venue → secured venue
• No menu and no chef → chef + curated experience
• No plan → corporate-level team-building
• No speakers → two speakers, Tom Kiuna and Evans Oigara, who shook the room

And sitting among these men, I felt proud — not because I carried it — but because I didn’t.

Agency Begins Within — The Inner Battlefield

Agency is not arrogance. It’s not selfish control. It’s self-responsibility rooted in humility. Agency means: owning your reactions, managing your emotions, facing your shadows, processing your pain, and taking responsibility for your inner world. Whether we admit it or not, we broadcast our inner state to the world—every suppressed emotion leaks. Every hidden resentment echoes. Every unresolved thought shapes reality. If you refuse to examine your inner world, you are not unlucky — you are irresponsible.

Scripture says:

“The intentions of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”

That is the work of modern masculinity. Not bravado. Not noise. But depth. Responsibility. Emotional courage.

Conclusion — A Call to Men Who Want to Rise

This men’s meetup taught me something profound: Strong men don’t burn out because they are weak. They burn out because they carry what they were never meant to carry alone.

Power isn’t found in doing everything. Power lies in emotional ownership, healthy delegation, nervous-system regulation, honest self-examination, and the courage to let others rise. If we want better men, better fathers, better leaders, and better communities, we must begin inside.

CALL TO ACTION

If this resonates: Share it with a brother who needs it. Join our next men’s gathering or start your own circle — without masks, without performance, without ego. And if you want help building agency, emotional mastery, and disciplined habits, I invite you to walk with me.

 

If this message stirred something in you, don’t let it fade.

1.       Join my LinkedIn Habit Coaching Newsletter: https://www.linkedin.com/newsletters/habits-with-coach-edwin-7399067976420966400/

2.       Join my Habit WhatsApp Community at https://whatsapp.com/channel/0029VbAmKkOBvvsWOuBx5g3L  

3.       Alternatively, sign up for my 12-month Personal Transformation Program by sending me a message on WhatsApp at +254-724328059.