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Why Making Friends as a Man Feels Hard — and How to Turn It Into a Habit

  




For many men today, one of the hardest things to do is make new friends.

It’s not that we don’t want connection. Most of us still depend on the same old friendships from school or childhood — even when, deep down, we know we’ve outgrown them or they’ve outgrown us.

From a habit perspective, that’s risky. The people around you aren’t just casual company — they shape your environment, influence your decisions, and constantly reinforce the identity you carry today. If you’re serious about becoming the man you want to be, you must become intentional about the friends you make and the friends you keep.

The problem? As we age, we often become comfortable with our routines. Making new friends can start to feel awkward, even threatening. It takes vulnerability — showing parts of yourself that you may have guarded for years. But here’s the good news: friendship is a skill. Like any skill, it can be practiced, improved, and mastered until it becomes second nature. After years of coaching on habits, I’ve noticed that meaningful, lasting male friendships usually revolve around three key pillars:

1.       Shared passions and interests

2.       Aligned values and priorities

3.       A common vision and purpose

Let’s explore each one.

1. Passions and Interests — The Spark That Starts It All

This is where most friendships start — but as adults, we often forget to nurture the connection. Think back to when you were younger. Maybe you loved football, drawing, or fixing bikes. These passions created natural places to meet where friendship happened effortlessly. But life added responsibilities, and one by one, those hobbies got buried.

Reigniting them isn’t childish — it’s empowering. It puts you in a mindset of curiosity and adventure. And when you show genuine enthusiasm, you naturally draw in others who feel the same.

For the 99% who haven’t truly explored their world yet, here’s your challenge: make a bucket list of activities you’ve always wanted to try. Pick one, then do it. Join the cycling club. Try pottery. Learn salsa. Visit that hiking trail everyone talks about.

Two things will happen:

  • You’ll discover new things about yourself.
  • You’ll meet people on the same wavelength, in an environment where conversation flows naturally.

Some activities you’ll try once and think, Never again. Others will become part of your life — and those are the ones that will weave you into communities where friendships flourish.

 

2. Values and Priorities — The Glue That Keeps Friendships Strong

Passions spark friendships, but shared values keep them going. When you were in college, your “friendship values” might have been about fun, popularity, or pushing boundaries. But life changes. Suddenly, you value integrity, family, growth, or spiritual grounding. The problem is, many of us keep friends who no longer share those priorities — and we call it loyalty. The reality? Many people we call friends are acquaintances, and no more. You might think they are close, but they wouldn’t be there in a crisis. Studies show that people often befriend those they believe can boost their social standing — but the feeling isn’t always mutual.

That’s why it’s worth asking: What do I truly value in a friend? Support? Accountability? Kindness?

Once you’re clear, be intentional about how you connect. Don’t ignore the early signs — if you don’t enjoy someone’s company or feel safe around them, that’s not a friendship worth nurturing. I’ve seen deep, lifelong friendships form when men choose to support each other intentionally.

One group I know — five men — made a pact 30 years ago to “do life together.” They meet regularly, celebrate wins, and stand together in hardship. The result? Strong families, thriving careers, and decades of trust. Yes, it takes effort. Yes, it means picking up the phone, checking in, and showing up when it’s inconvenient. But that’s the investment true friendship demands — and the return is priceless.

 

3. Vision and Purpose — The Compass That Points You to the Right People

A wise man recently reminded me: David had Jonathan and Hushai; Job had his three friends.

These weren’t casual drinking buddies — they were men tied together by vision and purpose.

Jonathan understood David’s destiny and supported him sacrificially. Hushai stayed loyal through betrayal and risk. Job’s friends sat in silence with him for seven days in his suffering. These bonds formed because they shared a deep commitment to the mission and calling of the other.

When you live with a clear purpose, you attract others who are drawn to that clarity. They see where you’re headed and want to walk with you. Without that, you risk drifting into relationships with people who drain your energy and pull you off course.

This doesn’t mean you have to be a king like David or a figure like Job. It means you live in a way that’s intentional, mission-driven, and open to those who align with it.

 

Bringing It All Together

Friendship for men is not just about chance encounters — it’s about crafting the environment in which those connections can grow.

  • Passions give you the spark to meet new people.
  • Values give you the glue to build trust.
  • Purpose gives you the compass to choose the right people.

And here’s the magic — when you combine all three, you don’t just “find friends.” You build a brotherhood.

 

A Call to Action

If you’re reading this and thinking, I wish I had friends like that, here’s where you start:

  1. Pick one interest you’ve neglected or always wanted to try. Commit to exploring it this month.
  2. Write down three values you want in a friend. Look for people who share them — and be willing to offer them yourself.
  3. Clarify your vision for the next 5 years. See who naturally aligns with it, and nurture those relationships.

Friendship isn’t a luxury — it’s a habit that shapes your identity, success, and happiness.

Be intentional. Be vulnerable. And most of all, be the friend you wish you had.

If you want to explore ways to build habits that shape your identity and relationships, let’s talk. I help men like you design the kind of life — and friendships — that leave a lasting impact.

          

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