The Burden of Performance: Why Modern Men Are Tired, Lost, and Ready to Rise Again

 

Jacob Aliet, speaker at The Men's Group meeting
on the 18th October 2025 

We were sitting in the Baraza, that sacred circle where truth often sneaks up disguised as banter, when Steve turned to Jack and said,

“You are a lion and a tortoise.”

Now, if you’ve ever been to The Men’s Group meeting, you know compliments don’t come gift-wrapped. But this one had weight. The lion — bold, daring, unstoppable. The tortoise — slow, deliberate, unyielding. Together, they symbolize a man who dreams big but also endures the grind.

That’s Jacob Aliet.

He was late for his slot — so late, I had resigned myself to his absence with a resigned “Haithuru” (Swahili for “It’s okay, life moves on”). The second speaker was deep in his flow when the door swung open. In walked this ripped guy, arms bulging, confidence wrapped in a shirt that could barely contain the testosterone.

He dropped a bag of books on the floor, and I caught sight of the word Unplugged. I knew instantly that this was the man.

And oh, how he shook the room.

 

When Men Lose Their Way

As Jacob spoke, it became clear why I’d been hoping for a voice like his — one that married intellect with truth, science with soul. He didn’t preach doom; he held up a mirror.

“Men have lost their way,” he said.

Not as an accusation, but as a lament.

Today’s man is pulled in every direction — social pressures, fractured fatherhood, unprocessed trauma, and a society that keeps redefining masculinity. The patriarchal baton wasn’t just dropped; it rolled into a ditch somewhere between silence and shame.

Women are rising, as they should, but in this shift, men are left unsure. They are caught between outdated expectations and a changing world that no longer fully supports them. Masculinity has been portrayed as either toxic or tame, leaving few spaces for men who are strong but soft, assertive but aware.

The result?

A generation of men drifting, numbing with alcohol, gambling, porn, or endless scrolling — all to avoid the emptiness caused by losing agency.

 

The Quiet Erosion of Male Agency

Agency — that simple but profound word — is the ability to act intentionally, to make choices aligned with purpose rather than pain. It’s the difference between leading your life and being led by it. But too many men have traded agency for avoidance.

They dodge confrontation, abandon dreams, and wait for life to “just work out.”
As Jacob said, “A man who fears confrontation will one day be confronted by regret.”

He’s right. I’ve seen it.

One man once spent a night in jail rather than face his wife’s anger after coming home late. And he did — he actually staged an arrest at 3 a.m. to avoid an argument!

That’s what happens when fear takes over instead of agency — when a man’s choices are driven by what he's trying to escape rather than what he believes in.

Here’s how men lose that agency:

• Father wounds: growing up unseen or overly controlled.
• Cultural programming: being told “real men don’t feel.”
• Unprocessed trauma: reacting instead of choosing.
• Systemic pressure: lack of role models or hope.

When a man loses agency, he doesn’t stop moving — he stops directing where he’s going.

 

The Burden of Performance — The Invisible Weight

Jacob’s words cut even deeper as he discussed the burden of performance — that silent, overwhelming pressure that measures a man’s worth by what he accomplishes, not who he is.

“If I don’t deliver, I don’t deserve.” That’s the silent script running in too many men’s minds.

It starts early:

• You’re only praised when you win.
• Failure earns you shame, not support.
• Love feels conditional.
• Success becomes the only language worth speaking.

So men pursue titles, validation, applause. And when they finally “arrive,” they realize they’ve built castles on sand.

Here’s what it looks like in real life:

• Feeling guilty for resting.
• Comparing yourself endlessly.
• Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe.
• Losing connection with family, because relationships feel like performance reviews.

The tragedy? Even successful men end up empty, exhausted actors in a play they never auditioned for.

 

From Performance to Presence — Reclaiming the Inner Authority

But healing is possible. It begins when a man pauses and remembers:

“My value is not earned through doing. It’s revealed through being.”

To restore agency is to come home to yourself.

Here’s what that looks like:

1. Think for yourself. Measure success by integrity, not applause.
2. Own your emotions. Feel deeply without being ruled by feeling.
3. Take responsibility. Stop blaming, start building.
4. Live with vision. Choose direction over distraction.
5. Empower others. Strength that lifts, not controls.

When men reclaim agency, they become safe anchors in a chaotic world. They stop performing for love and start embodying it.

And as Jacob reminded us, “True strength isn’t how much you achieve — it’s how deeply you are alive.”

The Middle Ground — Men and Women Rising Together

This is not a battle of the sexes; it’s a call for balance. Science confirms that children thrive best with both parents engaged — not perfect, just present. But that requires healed men — fathers who stop transmitting their wounds to their sons. A healthy masculine presence doesn’t diminish women’s power; it amplifies it. The future isn’t male or female — it’s whole.

Conclusion: The Lion and the Tortoise Within

So yes, Steve was right that morning: every man must become both lion and tortoise.
Bold enough to start again. Patient enough to stay the course.

The lion roars with courage; the tortoise endures with wisdom. Together, they remind us that the journey back to agency isn’t a sprint — it’s a pilgrimage.

And if you’ve been carrying the burden of performance, it’s time to set it down.
You are not what you do.
You are who you choose to become.

 

Call to Action:

If this message hits home, take one small step today:

• Reflect: Where have you surrendered your agency?
• Reach out: Speak with a brother, mentor, or coach (preferably me).
• Rebuild: Redefine success around presence, not pressure.

Join me in this movement — not to fix men, but to awaken them.

Because when men heal, generations shift.